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E-Breaks Jokes Archive
NEW RETIREMENT PLAN:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle....It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
"The U.S. has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing ... Its called the stock market."
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street."
"The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW."
"What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!"
"The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing's right, and on the right side nothing's left."
"I want to warn people from Nigeria, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam! Don't fall for it!"
"Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar."
"The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures."
"President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21."
"What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's."
How do you drive an accountant crazy?
Stand in front of him and fold a road map wrong.
You might be an accountant if:
* You had no idea that GAP is a clothing store.
* You refer to your child as "deduction".
You might be an accountant if getting to sleep at night is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
While standing near the dinosaur at the Natural History Museum, the accountant said to his neighbor:
"This dino is 2 billion years and 10 months old."
"Where did you get this information?"
"I was here 10 months ago and the guide told me it was 2 billion years old then"
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?
He doesn't wear a tie and comes in after 8am.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Not filling out the guest comment card.
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, and the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You"re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They"re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you"re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don"t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don"t know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I"m driving."
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, one accountant jams something in the other accountant's hand. Without looking down, the other accountant whispers, "What is this?"
To which the first accountant replies, "it's the $50 I owe you."
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book.
What is the definition of “accountant”?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
The Accountant’s Prayer:
“Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10:53:16 am Eastern Daylight Saving Time.”
One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?"
He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accounting."
On a sunny afternoon three accountants are standing near a tall pole and wondering about the height of the pole. The first accountant, a CPA says, I do not think there is any authoritative guidance on how to measure the height of a pole, that is not the job of accountants. The second accountant, a professor at a state university says, well, if we take a survey of similar locations and asked people about the height of poles, then we may be able to deduce height of this pole, it will be a good enough estimate. The third accountant is a professor at an Ivy league university. He confidently claims, if we measure the shadow of the pole under different conditions, then I can run a multivariate regression model and can give a very good estimate of the height. As this conservation is going on, an engineer passes by and asks about their discussion. The accountants tell him, you probably can not understand this complex problem. The engineer persists and hears about the problem. He smiles, lifts the pole from the base, measures it, and says, "twelve feet and three inches," and walks off. The accountants look at him, laugh contemptuously and say in unison - "hell, we wanted to know the height of the pole and he tells us the length."
A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volatility worried him. The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby. "Really?" replied the customer. "Absolutely, " said the broker, "I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour."
The Difference between Communism & Capitalism :
In communism, we nationalize the banks and then push them to bankruptcy. In capitalism, we push the bank to bankruptcy and then nationalize them.
A priest, a rabbi, and a mortgage broker were all caught in a shipwreck. Sharks were soon circling around. The sharks eat the priest. The rabbi starts praying fervently, but to no avail, as the sharks eat him as well. The mortgage broker is really getting worried, as a shark is coming for him. But instead the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off. The mortgage broker asks, "How come you didn't eat me too?" And the shark replied : "Professional Courtesy!"
Better than a Ponzi
A truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said: "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the truck driver and asked:
"What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and I made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Sure, but just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.
What is 2+2?
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."
The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
Definitions that should be in the dictionary…
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Contributed by T. O. Dissinger
Believe it or not, these are Nashville, TN's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller : I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller : I thought you just said it was nine-one-one?
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller : Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller : My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller : No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Contributed by Cindy Stern
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